Break My Heart

I've been hesitant to write this.
I feel like I'm exposing a little too much.

Of course, I'm always saying that I'm a big proponent of transparency, so now is not the time to start hiding. Honestly, I think I'm feeling a little hypocritical, because I feel like I've also touted the desire to live out my faith. But right now I'm struggling with that. Actually, I'm not sure what I'm struggling with exactly, but something has definitely been bothering me this week, and it's not the first time it's bothered me.

We watched the film 58: at church on Sunday. It's a global initiative that's seeking to unite Christians to end extreme poverty in our lifetime by living out the call of Isaiah 58 to fast, shout, and give, and then to celebrate what God has done for the poor and in our hearts and lives. The film documented several impoverished people and families and encouraged the church to rise up and act. The cause is an incredible one. It's a godly one. It's ambitious and yet attainable. God calls us to care for the needy. He commands us to take care of the poor.

I'd like to say that I sat there on Sunday watching these stories play out in front of me, and I was moved to tears. That I was stirred to rally for the cause. That I came away fired up and ready to take action to fight poverty alongside this movement.

No. Instead, I sat there and felt nothing. I sat there repeatedly praying in my head, "God, break my heart for what breaks Yours. God, break my heart for what breaks Yours." Nothing stirred. My heart felt nothing. "GOD, BREAK MY HEART FOR WHAT BREAKS YOURS!!" Still...nothing. And then, after it was over, I did nothing.

Then I started reading Mark Batterson's book, Primal, this week, and he ironically spends some time focusing on compassion: things that break Christ's heart and how they should, in turn, break our hearts. He repeats the same words that I was repeating to myself on Sunday.

When you give your heart to Christ, Christ gives His heart to you. That new heart gives you a new appreciation for life. You humbly acknowledge your responsibility to honor Christ. You literally feel different. Why? Because you feel what Christ feels. And chief among those sanctified emotions is compassion. Your heart begins to break for the things that break the heart of God. And that is the heart of what it means to love God with all your heart.

I'm typically a fairly generous person. My heart does, indeed, break over a multitude of things. I've felt led to give to multiple causes, organizations, and people...and I've given. But there have also been times when I've been a part of an event or conference when I've not answered a particular organization's call to take action, and I haven't supported the cause that was being promoted. And I've felt guilty. I felt guilty on Sunday, too. I want my heart to break over the things that break the heart of God, and it bothers me that I haven't been moved to give at times in the past. It bothers me that I wasn't moved this past Sunday.

I realize that we're all wired differently, and God's given us different hearts and passions, and I think that also leads to different COMpassions. But I've struggled to know if that means that we only need to give to causes that we feel compassion toward? Or are we obligated and responsible to always give toward certain things? Am I interchanging compassion vs. God's leading and getting hung up mixing two different issues? I do actually care. I have given and will continue to give to causes and organizations that are, in fact, fighting poverty...not only because I've felt led by God to do so, but also because I believe it's an area that requires obedience whether or not we FEEL like it. But I still struggle when I don't give to everything. I know we can't all support every cause. We can't all do everything, but we all can and should do something. But saying no to some still bothers me. Is it ok to say no sometimes? I'm not sure I know what the answer is...

Do you?