Perseverance

 

I've been through a lot of ups and downs over the years.  We all have. 
Trials take on various forms: 

Pain.  Betrayal.  Hurt.  Sickness.  Disappointment.  Heartache.  Loss.

But James 1:2-4 says to consider all of that pure joy?!  Come on, how can I be JOYFUL when I'm going through my own personal hell on earth??  There's those questions of "why me?!" and "will this ever get easier?!" and even sometimes the question of "where is God in all of this?!?!".

Yet in the middle of it all, I know God is there.  He's walking through it with me; more often carrying me through it.  Holding me when I cry.  Patiently helping me sort through the anger and bitterness that threatens to well up.  Protecting my heart when I throw childish temper tantrums.  Listening to my often times irrational reasonings and attempts to hold on.  Giving me strength to make it through another day or even to just take my next breath.

And then it comes...
It comes when I surrender.  It comes when I let go and quit trying to control.  It comes when I stop selfishly dwelling on how things aren't going the way I planned.  It comes when I forgive.  It comes when I shut up and really listen to God's heart.  It comes when I force myself into a reality check and ask if I'm really trusting God?  Do I trust that God loves me and is working His best for my life?  Do I trust that God will never leave me or abandon me?  Do I trust that God is always in control even when I don't understand?

Sometimes it comes slowly at first, and sometimes it's like an overwhelming wave that crashes and envelops. But it comes...

Joy.

The trial may not go away, but it comes...renewed strength and peace and yes...joy.

I think the part that gets me these days most often is that PERSEVERANCE piece though.  I've been loving how quickly and graciously God seems to bring my focus back to Him.  But just because I trust Him and continue to pursue Him doesn't mean that I don't lose hope along the way.  It's so easy to fall into a cycle.  Completely and genuinely trusting for a while, but then circumstances don't change.  Joy starts waning.  The old voices of doubt creep in.  And before I know it, I'm right back in the thick of things.  It's so frustrating!  But that's the exact point when my faith stirs my heart to keep pressing forward in perseverance.

He's promised He'll give me wisdom (v. 5).  He's promised a crown of life as a reward for my patient endurance (v. 12).  He gives me freedom and blessings as I follow and obey His Word (v. 25).  Every good and perfect gift comes from my heavenly Father (v.17).  And God once again takes my hand and shows me who HE is. He lovingly reminds me of His faithfulness. That He is trustworthy. That He is in control. That He is always working all things together for my good.

And then it comes again...joy.  :-)

Surrender

I've been thinking a lot about surrender and what that really means. What does that look like practically in every day life? Does it mean completely letting go of dreams? Does it mean defeat and loss? Does it mean giving up completely on desires that run deeply to the core of our hearts?

We hold so tightly to the thought of one day. We try to imagine what it would be like if all our chasings and strivings suddenly would all come together. What would happen if that windfall actually came? What if all our planning actually panned out the way we wanted every step of the way? What if one day finally arrived, and we could be who think we want to be; do what we think we want to do; be with who we think we want to be with. Our dreams of one day turned into reality.

Much of the time the things we hold on to the tightest are those inmost longings. We yearn for something or someone to fill a void...that deep ache of the soul. We scramble to do anything and everything to orchestrate the outcome the way we believe is best. But even when we're just simply waiting on God and praying earnestly like we're "supposed to do", that once truly healthy desire can become an obsession and morph into an ugly oppressive mental trap that eats away at our resolve and robs us of our joy.
Doubts form.
Resentment builds.
Bitterness starts taking root.

I like to think I know what's best for me, but really, I don't have a clue. It's like I keep trying to shove that square peg into that confounded round hole, wonder why nothing seems to work right, and then have the audacity to keep pushing. Maybe I'm supposed to eventually fulfill that dream of filling that space, but until I'm willing to surrender that square peg and allow God to guide me in His good timing, it's only going to be futile and frustrating.

Surrender. I don't think it necessarily means completely giving up on God given dreams and desires. But I do think it means allowing God access to those sacred places that we're not willing to let go of and offering them to Him. Laying them at His feet and relinquishing control. Declaring Thy will be done and really meaning it, because He has promised:

I will lead the blind by ways they have not known,
along unfamiliar paths I will guide them;
I will turn the darkness into light before them
and make the rough places smooth.
These are the things I will do;
I will not forsake them.

Isaiah 42:16

I'm starting to realize that surrender is God's antidote to the cage we create for ourselves as we plan for one day. I'm beginning to experience surrender as something completely liberating. I want to trust my life in God's hands...the God who controls the universe. I want that freedom that's found in surrendering my mediocre way of doing things and embracing His perfect plans and His way of accomplishing them. God's way is always, always better.

Blessed is the man who fears the LORD,

who finds great delight in his commands.

Even in darkness light dawns for the upright,

for the gracious and compassionate and righteous man.

Surely he will never be shaken;

a righteous man will be remembered forever.

He will have no fear of bad news;

his heart is steadfast, trusting in the LORD.

His heart is secure, he will have no fear;

in the end he will look in triumph on his foes.

Psalm 112

Note to Self: Try

It's so simple, really.

No, I don't mean "trying".

I'm talking about "I can't".

It's easy.

Shying away from the difficult.

Refusing to give it a shot.

Remaining comfortable.

Safe.

Saying "I'm not good enough."

"I'm not ready."

"I'll fail."

"I'm scared."

"I can't."

It's easy to stay where you are.

Maintain the status quo.

Unchanged.

Unmoved.

The same.

It's easy.

But what gain is there in that?

What glory can you bring to God?

Is it really about you anyway?

If God asks you to go, don't you dare say "no".

You GO.

If God says, "do", don't say "I can't".

You DO.

God, Who spoke the universe into existence.

God, Who knit together your very essence.

If God is asking,

He will faithfully carry you through.

I don't want easy.

I want God's best.

I want to take a chance.

To answer His call.

To step out in faith.

I don't want easy.

I want the impossible.

What is impossible with men is possible with God.

Trust

Yes, it's my wrist.
Yes, it's permanent.
Yes, there's a reason behind it...

It sounds like it should be so easy, right?

Just do it.

Go ahead...

Trust

Even after you've been let down over and over and over again.

Even after they've hurt you; maybe even lied to you.

Even after they say "I love you" and then walk away.

They say one thing and do another; make promises they fail to keep.

Trust is fragile. Once broken, repairs may never be possible. And even if the pieces can be picked up and patched together with care, the weakened fracture lines still exist. So we build up our walls in an effort to protect. We rely on our own efforts; our own strength. We resolve to never let anyone close enough to see our weaknesses for fear that we'll once again shatter.

Trust. It's a journey I've been on over the last several years.

Trust. It's a word that's become incredibly significant in my life.

Trust. It's a foundation that's digging deeper in my heart, growing roots, and slowly sprouting new amazing life.

trust
noun
1. reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety, etc., of a person or thing; confidence.
2. confident expectation of something; hope.
3. a person on whom or thing on which one relies: God is my trust.

That's it...right there: #3. I think that's the key. In whom or in what are we placing our trust? Far too often we cling to the tangible. We cling to the finite. We cling to the fallible. And then we wonder why it fails us. We sit in shock and bewilderment when they let us down.

But I love that the dictionary, of all places, states the one true source of hope; the only truly reliable foundation: God is my trust.

There's the Bible verse that says, Trust in the Lord with all your heart. We learned it in Sunday school. And we've repeated it so often we can recite it from memory. But when does it move from repetition to a reality?

God is my trust. It's a statement...no, much more than that...a faith; a foundation; a hope; a way of life that's being interwoven into my heart.

It's more than just letting go. It's surrendering everything.

It's more than just tentatively testing the water. It's jumping in the deep end.

It's more than just believing. It's following through and acting on it.

It's more than just fighting a battle. It's knowing the war is already won.

It's realizing that I can't live this life on my own, nor do I want to. So no matter what happens, no matter where He leads, no matter if nothing makes sense...I'm making the declaration: God, You're soveriegn. You have control. You know what's best. It's all Yours. I'm going to TRUST You!

Even in the confusion and hurt: God is my trust.

Even when I don't understand: God is my trust.

Even if it seems impossible: God is my trust.

Even though everyone else will fail me: God is my trust.

Even when all hope seems to be gone: God is my trust.

He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High

will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.

I will say of the LORD, “He is my refuge and my fortress,

my God, in whom I trust.”

He will cover you with his feathers,

and under his wings you will find refuge;

his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.

If you make the Most High your dwelling-

even the LORD, who is my refuge-

then no harm will befall you,

no disaster will come near your tent.

For he will command his angels concerning you

to guard you in all your ways;

they will lift you up in their hands,

so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.

“Because he loves me,” says the LORD, “I will rescue him;

I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name.

He will call upon me, and I will answer him;

I will be with him in trouble,

I will deliver him and honor him.

With long life will I satisfy him

and show him my salvation.”

Psalm 91

2011 Best Of - Waiting

It seems like a long time since I compiled my thoughts on what I've been learning through the process of waiting.  I think it's one of the major themes of this last year.

Waiting...

I'm still waiting...

I'll probably always be waiting for something...

So I went back and read over my thoughts from earlier this year.
It's good to review.
And as I read, I'm seeing that they still hold fast and true.

It's something that will consistently continue to be ingrained in my heart. Something that I'm so thankful to still be learning and growing in as time flips forward into the new year.

Waiting...

Waiting...in Contentment

Waiting...with Expectation

Waiting...in Worship

Waiting...in the Interim

Waiting...with Shattered Dreams

Fleece

Is it ok to question God?
Is it ok to test what you think God's leading you to do?
Is it ok to wonder if you're hearing God correctly?
Is it ok to ask God to prove Himself?

Enter Gideon and his fleece.

In Judges 6, God comes and has a little chat with Gideon saying that He is going to use Gideon to rescue the Israelites from Midian. Gideon flat out sees the LORD face to face, and yet he still questions God and asks Him to prove Himself...and not just once, but twice.

Then Gideon said to God, “If you are truly going to use me to rescue Israel as you promised, prove it to me in this way. I will put a wool fleece on the threshing floor tonight. If the fleece is wet with dew in the morning but the ground is dry, then I will know that you are going to help me rescue Israel as you promised." And that is just what happened. When Gideon got up early the next morning, he squeezed the fleece and wrung out a whole bowlful of water. 

Then Gideon said to God, “Please don’t be angry with me, but let me make one more request. Let me use the fleece for one more test. This time let the fleece remain dry while the ground around it is wet with dew." So that night God did as Gideon asked. The fleece was dry in the morning, but the ground was covered with dew.

I've come up on two different sides of this coin. On one hand, there have been times when I've thrown caution to the wind, plowed full steam ahead, and run after what I think is best. I think it has to be what God's best is for me, because for all intents and purposes it looks good on the surface. And honestly, there's nothing even wrong with it. It really is good. But I've never stopped to consult with God on the matter. I've never given Him the opportunity to speak into the situation. I've never asked Him if it really is what He's calling me to do. I've never asked Him to prove Himself. And then I've found out that what I thought was His voice, really was just my voice telling me what I wanted to hear.

There have also been times when I've over analyzed. I've asked God to show me what He wants me to do. I've prayed. I've poured over the Scriptures. I've asked for signs. I've questioned if it's God speaking, or if it's just me trying to convince myself. I've mulled it over. Talked to other people. Tested the waters time and time and time again. After all that, I've still felt the same call on my life, but then I didn't do anything. I didn't take any action. I remained in my comfort zone...still waiting for God to prove Himself...when, in reality, He already had. I was just too afraid or just too plain comfortable to follow.

I believe that it's not only wise, but it's also necessary to seek God's direction in our lives. It's foolish to come to rash conclusions without consulting Him first. Decisions should be made with prayerful consideration combined with affirmation from His Word. And setting before Him a "seemingly impossible, only God could do this" fleece of a test can sometimes be the most prudent and godly action we can take. But, in conjunction, I also believe that if you're going to test Him, then you also better be ready to take action and follow Him.

The very next verse that follows Gideon's fleece test reads: Gideon and his army got up early and went. Gideon didn't go and ask other people what they thought. He didn't keep thinking about it. He didn't over analyze.

Gideon asked for a sign.
God answered Gideon.
Gideon went.
End of story.

Actually, that's not the end of the story. It's just the beginning. The rest of Judges 7 tells of how God used Gideon to defeat the Midianites. God worked through Gideon to rescue the Israelites just like He promised He would.

So go ahead. Ask God to prove Himself. Lay out your fleece before Him. But when He speaks, make sure you're ready to respond. He's going to work through you just like He promised He would!

I've seen how God has specifically answered the prayers one of my former pastors more than once as he's placed his fleece before God with an open heart and feet ready for action. (You can read his blog posts here and here.) I just love how God continues to speak to us today and show us His will.

God's Presence Matters

I've been thinking about being present and what that means. Really connecting and focusing on people. People matter. Relationships matter.

I've been thinking about what it means to be here now. Letting go of regrets, releasing fears, silencing distractions, being still, really knowing God, and dwelling in Him. Our relationship with God matters. God's presence in our lives matters.

In comparison, does anything else really matter? What matters besides God's presence? Without Him, nothing matters. If we are connected to Him, we can do all things. Without Him, we can do nothing.

I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing.

I love how Francis shared it at Catalyst Atlanta this year:

Be Here Now

I wrote yesterday about the importance of being present. Connecting. Engaging. Forming genuine relationships. Focusing. Investing in people. Getting involved. Being available.

But before we can do any of that, I think we need to actually find a way to BE STILL.

I think it's getting harder and harder to shut off the noise of the world around us and actually be still. We have so many distractions in life, one of which seems to be the ever increasing monopoly of technology. But it doesn't stop there. It's life in general. It's the "to do list". It's the tasks that we need to complete at work. It's the little children clamoring for our attention. It's the bills that need to be paid. It's the burden of illness; the overwhelming incurable disease. It's the unresolved fight we had that morning with our spouse. It's the voices of poverty. It's the next cause; the next social justice. It's the media hype. It's the celebrity glamour; the next fashion trend. It's the sideways glances of comparison. It's the I need to be better; the I'll never be good enough.

It's the regrets of the past.
It's the anxieties of today.
It's the what ifs of the future.

What would it take for you to let go of your regrets?
To trust that as far as the east is from the west, so far has He removed our transgressions from us.

What would it take for you to release your fears?
To fully cast all of your anxiety on Him because He cares for you.

What would it take for you to believe that God loves you and will never leave you?
You cannot flee from His presence.

What would it take for you to silence those distractions?
To be still and know that He is God and find peace.

Last year at the Global Leadership Summit, I saw Blaine Hogan perform this amazingly simple skit that so effectively communicates what it means to let go. To surrender. To be still. To Be Here Now. You really have to watch it. It's incredibly powerful...

God is here now.

He has always been here.

He will always be here.

Now it's time for us to be still and finally, truly be nowhere else but here.

Give And Take

You split the sky with painted light
Rolling timpani shaking
You echo through the darkest night
Bellowing winds swirling

You shake the earth and trees bend low
Bowing down almost breaking
You churn waves and seas below
Crashing in and overtaking

Your majesty on display

Mighty One
Creator God
Your power can turn night to day
You give and take away

You soak completely my resolve
Breaking through and rebuilding
You pour out overwhelming love
Overflowing and healing

You whisper gently to my heart
Loving warmly and embracing
You'll never leave me or depart
Breathing life into dying

Your majesty on display

Mighty One
Creator God
Your power can turn night to day
You give and take away
Yet even in our darkest hour
Comforter
Loving Father
You're our faithful strong tower
You give and take away

Broken restored
Weak given strength
All glory to You
Shattered rebuilt
Torn mended and new
All glory to You, God

Psalm 13

A variation of Psalm 13 rewritten in response to my own heart's cry...

How long will You wait?

How long will it take?

Tell me how long

When will this change?

Will it ever end?

What's the point?

Why the hurt?

The pain?

I don't know what I'm waiting for

But I will trust

I trust in You

In Your unfailing love

And I rejoice

There's joy in You

Joy in Your salvation

I will sing

You've been so good

So good to me

God, give me peace

God, give me strength

God, I need You

Restore my joy

Bring me back again

Return hope

Free my heart

My soul

I know You can deliver me

I will trust

I trust in You

In Your unfailing love

And I rejoice

There's joy in You

Joy in Your salvation

I will sing

You've been so good

So good to me

To Whom Would I Go?

Often there are things that happen in life, and no matter how hard I try, I just can't seem to make sense of them. Trials come. Heartache overwhelms. Tragedies threaten.

Why would God allow someone so young to die?
Why would God let that marriage fail?
Why would God not step in and save her from abuse?
Why would God take that newborn before he has a chance to live?
Why would God leave her lonely year after year?
Why would God not provide a job after searching for months?
Why would God not heal the wound, provide for the need, and fix the problem?

It's times like these when we find ourselves facing a decision. It seems like it would be so easy to just give up. To just stop believing. To walk away from God and look for answers somewhere else.

In John 6, Jesus' disciples had been listening to things Jesus was teaching them, and they were finding it incredibly hard to swallow. They didn't get it. They didn't understand. They didn't believe. People who actually saw Jesus in person and witnessed His miracles...even those people had their doubts. They found themselves facing a decision. And John tells us their response: At this point many of his disciples turned away and deserted him.

This was a breaking point for a lot of people, and there will come a point in all of our lives when we, too, will have to make a choice. John continues: Then Jesus turned to the Twelve and asked, “Are you also going to leave?”

What will you do? Will you abandon Him, too? Will you stop believing? Stop trusting? Will you give up and walk away because it hurts too much and you just can't make sense of it? You don't understand, so God can't possibly be in control, right? So you give up and try to find some other solution.

I just love the way Peter responds to Jesus' question though: “Lord, to whom would we go? You have the words that give eternal life. We believe, and we know you are the Holy One of God."

For Peter, there's no other alternative. There's no other answer. There's no other solution. Jesus is the source of life and the reason to persevere, and Peter's only viable response is to follow Jesus' lead even if it doesn't always make sense.

Personally, I've found that when I'm facing those walls of bewilderment and frustration and confusion, the only time I find peace is when I come to the same conclusion that Peter does. There's a moment of surrender when you lay it at Jesus' feet. Lord, to whom would I go...if  not to You? There comes a point when you have to believe that He is Who He says He is and trust Him. Trust that He is bigger and wiser and more powerful than anything you might be facing. He's in control, and He has your best interests at heart. It's in that moment when peace breaks through all the things I don't understand, and somehow I know it's going to be ok.

Sufficient

Have you ever been reading through Scripture and caught yourself glazing over the passages that you've known all your life.  They're so familiar that you don't take the time to stop and really let them sink in. But I love when those exact same verses coming roaring back with renewed meaning and strength during certain seasons of life. God's Word is living and active, and I'm so thankful He still breathes life into our hearts through His Word.

I watched a North Point service online this weekend, and one of those verses has caught my heart and mind with a new depth.

Paul writes in 2 Corinthians how he pleaded with God multiple times to take away a "thorn in his flesh". It was a torment to him. But despite his prayers, God says "No" outright.

Wouldn't you think that with all the incredible work that Paul was doing to spread the gospel, God might step in and help him out?  Wouldn't you think that Paul would be so much more effective if God would take away the thing that was ailing Paul?  Wouldn't you think God would want to make Paul as strong as possible so that he could do even greater things through him?

But God said, "No." 

Really?!  Why, God?! 

And then in verse 9, we see how God spoke into Paul's situation and Paul's subsequent response:

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.

I love how Andy Stanley explains it: While we have permission to ask God to remove our thorns, God has the right to say no to our requests. God may choose to showcase His power on the stage of our weakness, but the question lies in how we are going to respond.

Are we going to question if God exists? Will we question His wisdom or falter in our willingness to trust Him? Do we continue to struggle to deal with the situation in our own strength? Or do we instead submit to God, trust that He is in control, and accept His answer of no. Because when we do, God gives us something in return - sustaining grace. His strength in our weakness is proof of His presence in our life. In our weakness, we will find that His power will sustain us through even our most difficult circumstances, and His grace is sufficient to cover every need.

Fear Not

I sat and absorbed a ton of amazing and encouraging thoughts from speakers both during the Catalyst conference and the awesome church services we attended when we were in Atlanta. And now I've come back home with a head full of swirling thoughts.

Some of them are probably fleeting.
Some of them need proper attention and follow through.
Some of them require some serious thought and prayer.

I've wondered off and on what thoughts are from God, and what are my own musings. I've wondered if God's driving certain desires, or if it's just a high that's been hanging on since I've gotten pumped full amazing goodness from the conference. I've wondered what change might look like, and I've been weighing the costs of remaining the same. I've wondered if some things that seem like crazy coincidences are actually God opening doors and setting up opportunities. I've wondered what the risks are...on both sides of the coin.

I went for a walk this weekend. I left my iPod at home. I just needed some time for silence. For solitude. For prayer. I can't say that I came back with some grand revelation, but I did come back with one overwhelming thought.

Somewhere along the way, God started breathing over my thoughts: Fear not. I will be with you wherever you go.

Seriously, God?  You're not going to tell me what to do?  You're not going to tell me where to go? You're not going to give me a clue?

Fear not. I will be with you wherever you go.

Ok, God, but what about "this" scenario? Do You think that's better than the other one? The other one would be harder, but maybe it could open some really amazing doors? But maybe You're orchestrating some really cool opportunities with "this" idea?

Fear not. I will be with you wherever you go.

Sometimes God doesn't really answer prayer flat out. Sometimes He lets us continue to search for Him and His direction and feel it out. Sometimes there really is no "right" answer. But I love it when despite all of the uncertainty we might still be facing, His promises flood in, quiet the voices raging in your head, and bring peace.

I'm sure my head will continue to swirl off and on, but I'm so glad that I can rest in God's promises and trust that He's got it all under control no matter what.

The Lord replied, “My Presence will go with you, and I will give you rest.”

Your Will Be Done

Overwhelmed by the unknown

Uncertain where to go

But You're so much bigger

So much greater

Greater than the understood

Greater than what I know

No matter the cost

Let Your will be done

If everything's lost

Let Your will be done

Take all that I am

I'll follow Your plan

Whatever it takes

Lord, have Your way

Let Your will be done in me

Overcome by fear and pain

Questions overflow

But You're so much bigger

So much greater

Greater than the unseen

Greater than what I know

No matter the cost

Let Your will be done

If everything's lost

Let Your will be done

Take all that I am

I'll follow Your plan

Whatever it takes

Lord, have Your way

Let Your will be done in me

You're so much bigger

So much greater

So much wiser

So much stronger

Just help me trust You

Help me trust in You

Don't Jump

I love this little excerpt from Margaret Feinberg's Hungry for God:

A few years ago, my husband Leif and I adopted a little puppy. As soon as the soft brown ball of fur crawled into the palms of my hands, I was in love. We named him Hershey.

After extensive training, Hershey was ready to go anywhere and everywhere. If dogs earned airline status, he'd be triple platinum. Though it sounds silly, sometimes God uses Hershey to teach me spiritual lessons. My furry friend is a living, breathing example of unconditional loyalty and love.

Because Hershey weighs less than five pounds, I carry him with me rather than use a leash. When Hershey stands still and trusts me, I scoop him up in a single motion. But sometimes he thinks I need his help. As I'm leaning down, he'll try to jump up, creating a klutzy moment in which I have to scramble so he doesn't fall. In the split second I'm trying to grab hold of my dog, I've sensed the Holy Spirit whispering, You do this sometimes too.

Like Hershey, I don't always trust my master. I think he needs my help. When I jump to take matters into my own hands, rather than trust God, I find everything falling apart. God is faithful and gracious enough to prevent me from thumping on the ground, but these moments remind me of the importance of relying and waiting on him.

Follow

Twisted turning road ahead of me

Foggy steps my feet take

Winding down or up I can't see

Stumbling blindly through life's heartache

Hands clinging desperately

To the line of life I need

To the only One I know

Who will always lead

Where I should follow

Heart crying out my plea

For saving grace to rescue me

You're the only One I know

Who will always lead

If I'll learn to follow

Change

It's crazy to think that a year ago, my little world as I knew it totally turned upside down. The safe little bubble that I had built up and lived in completely imploded. I suppose in comparison to the crisis situations that I've seen other people go through, it might have been insignificant. But for me, it was earth shattering. Not knowing who to trust. Not knowing what to do. Not knowing anything really.

And yet in the middle of it all, there was a strange sense of peace. 

You see, this wasn't the first time I've had the rug pulled out from under me.  It wasn't the first time I've experienced heartache.  It wasn't the first time I've been left in complete bewilderment. Not understanding. Not knowing who to trust. Not knowing what to do.  But I think this most recent time was different somehow, and I think it's because of things that God has been teaching me step by step especially over the last few years.

For the first time in my life, I knew that my focus was first and foremost dead set on following what God wanted for me. Even if it meant change (which up until that point hadn't really been a part of my vocabulary). Even if it meant leaving everything that I loved doing and was thrilled beyond words to be involved in.  Even if it scared the crap out of me. So while I felt completely out of control and disoriented, somehow I knew that God was in control. I knew that no matter what happened, He would walk through it with me. And if God was asking me to uproot myself and start over, then He would certainly not waste the amazing things that He had begun in my life or the passions that He had been stirring in my heart.

There was really only one thing I kept coming back to amidst my uncertainty. Even if I didn't understand, I knew that if God was calling me to change, then I could change.  I would change. And I found peace in that. Overwhelming peace.

Sitting on her front porch, a great friend encouraged me to trust my gut, and trust that if I've truly been seeking God's will and His guidance, then God was in that peace that I was experiencing. And that's when I think the lightbulb finally went on, and it finally clicked. I realized that maybe I wasn't so uncertain about what I needed to do after all.

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Crazier still, once I started to embrace that peace and follow God's leading, that's when change actually started to hold a hint of excitement for me. I'm actually starting to look forward to it! I love what Steven Furtick posted on twitter yesterday: Everything I ever thought I needed that God took away, turns out it was blocking something BETTER He had prepared. And let me tell you, I've seen God open some amazing doors along the way. And as I continue to learn to let go of my will and follow His, I'm thinking there's a whole slew of incredible opportunities just waiting to unfold in God's perfect timing.

I do not know what the future holds.  I do not know where God might call me.  I do not know what may be on the horizon.  But I do know without a doubt that as long as I'm running hard after God and following His lead, I never have to be afraid. I can trust that His plan will always be so much greater than my own. I can rest in His peace no matter what He might ask me to change.

On Pause

I've been reading in the Old Testament about the Israelites after God brought them out of Egypt.  Every time I've read through those passages, I subconsciously shake my head and laugh at how ridiculous they are.  They could look back and see how God rescued them in miraculous ways.  They could visibly see that God was right there with them...leading and guiding both day and night.  They'd complain about not having water, and God would provide water.  They'd worry about what they were going to eat, and God provided manna.  Then they complained about not having meat, and God provided quail for them to eat.  Time after time after time, God provided.  And yet they still complained. 

Then I stop laughing when I realize that I just read about myself...

Is it just me, or does anyone else have times when it feels like God has hit the pause button?  You feel like you've been obedient and done your part.  You hurry up...then you wait. 

Come on, God!!
Hello?  God??  Are You there? 
Tag...You're it! 
It's Your turn.  Make a move. 
Hello?

[[grand pause]] 
**crickets**

Nope.  Nothin'.
**sigh**

It seems like I can look back over the past and see time after time when God has blessed me in incredibly amazing ways.  I can vividly see that He's been actively working in my life.  I know without a doubt that I'm on the right "path" and following where He's leading.  I can see Him at work in other people's lives around me, and I'm able to encourage them to rejoice in His victories within their lives.  I can see how He's been moving and orchestrating events both in the past and the here and now.  And yet, there are days, which at times stretch into weeks, when I start to lose a little hope. When I get discouraged.  When, logically, I might still trust Him, but I don't feel His presence.  I might even start to complain a little.

I read Jeff Manion's The Land Between several months ago, and I love how he described what God's goal was for the Israelites in the desert...and for us as well:

In the wilderness travels of the Israelites, God was out to grow a specific fruit in this harsh environment: he wanted to produce a relationship of trust.  He desired an intimate relationship with his people, and trust is the glue that holds any relationship together. 

The [wilderness] was intended as the people's training ground, their boot camp.  The desert was to serve the purpose of transforming the people of slavery into the people of God.

Because they were in training to be God's representatives, they were thrust into situations in which either their trust would have to stretch or they would crack.  Their God was asking, "Will you trust me when you have limited water?  Will you trust me when food is in short supply?  Will you trust me when you grow tired of the food I am providing?  Will you trust me?"  Unfortunately, the people cracked - repeatedly.

The wilderness is a great space to be enrolled in the school of trust.  Perhaps if we can grasp the purpose of our [wilderness], we can cooperate with that purpose rather than resisting it.  The purpose is trust.  The purpose is transformation.  God brings us out of Egypt and into the [wilderness] to draw us closer in a relationship of trust and to transform us.  We need true, lasting transformation in our lives.  If we can understand what God desires from these experiences, we can resist a spirit of complaint and turn toward God, crying out to him honestly with our hearts, believing that he hears us.  We can trust him to provide in ways we might not even know to ask for - trust that he sees us, knows our needs, and looks on us with loving concern.

Never Change

The whole world turned upside down

Nothing stays the same

Battered and bruised, so confused

Nothing makes sense to me

Feeling lost, completely alone

Broken hearted again

Pieces crumble like before

It never seems to end

God, You were

God, You are

God, You will always be

My hope, my trust, my security

You never change

You never fail

You never will leave

My constant, my life, my eternity

Lifting my hands to You again

Surrendering my heart

Take this life, make it Yours

And use it for Your plan

Offering up what little I have

Broken and torn apart

But God, You make things new again

More beautiful than before

God, You were

God, You are

God, You will always be

My hope, my trust, my security

You never change

You never fail

You never will leave

My constant, my life, my eternity

No matter what life brings

No matter what the pain

Only One remains the same

My God will never change

Game of Life

I was talked into playing The Game of Life this past weekend with "the fam" before I had to leave the land of dial-up and make the trek home.  Now I know I've played the game before, but it's been a long, long time.  Wow.  So many choices.  So many paths to take.  So many things that could potentially change the entire course of the game.  And so much of it was dependant purely on chance...spinning the right number...landing on the right spaces...hoping no one would sue you..."investing" money to try to land a windfall. 

Most of the players involved had goals set for themselves at the onset of the game.  Of course, the whole point for everyone was to ultimately try to win, but everyone had a different strategy, and "winning" wasn't necessarily everything.  One player wanted to live in the smallest home and get the best paying job possible in order to gather as much cash as possible along the way.  Another player just wanted to land on all the baby spaces so their car would be filled with children.  And as for me, well...I just wanted to play the game as quickly as possible so I didn't end up leaving too late.  haha

Well, let's just say that out of those three "goals", the only plan that actually ended up panning out was the cash hoarder who ended up eventually winning! Surprise...that's life, right? We all tend to have similar long term goals. We all want to "win" in the end, right? But, for the most part, what constitutes "winning" is going to look different to everyone. Some people want to do it all and have it all and collect as much cash as possible along the way. To live it up. To experience as much as possible. Other people want to settle down, get married, and have children. Their lives are absorbed in family and relationships and the security of familiarity and home. And then there are people who don't really have any goals and float through life. They're not really in it to win it; they're just trying to make it through and make it to the end so it can be over.

How often does life not pan out the way we planned?  How often do we take one path, and seem to always land on the wrong spaces?  How often do we want to live a certain way and accomplish certain things along the way, and luck of the draw just doesn't seem to be cooperating.  Life seems to refuse to line up with your expectations.

In this weekend's game, the player whose whole goal was to land on as many "kid spaces" as possible...of course, she didn't end up landing on any at all.  The most hilarious part was that I could have cared less about the kids, and somehow I ended up with an entire car full!!  Actually, I ended up with so many children that I ran out of room in my car.  So I sent my only "girl" to go ride in her auntie's childless vehicle.  I got free babysitting out of the deal at least!!  And seriously, my whole goal of getting through the game quickly was totally blown out of the water, too.  The one hour game turned into two, which had to be followed up by a two hour drive home.  Fail.

Life may seem like a game at times, but it's really not.  And to treat it as such simply leads to one disappointment, failure, and unmet expectation after another.  I don't know about you, but I don't like losing.  I don't like making plans and not having them work out.  I don't like picking up the pieces after watching yet another dream get crushed. 

The only real strategy that I've seen pan out is when I've surrendered all of my goals to God, given up control, and put all my efforts into running hard after Him.  He's guaranteed that we will win if we do so.  He's promised that we will win eternal life with Him.

So we make it our goal to please him, whether we are at home in the body or away from it.   

I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus. 

Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize.