Angry

I'll admit it.  I've gotten angry at God.

I've yelled at Him.  I've screamed in frustration and hurt.  I've wept enraged tears.  And yes, I've even dropped words that would make my mother wash my mouth out with soap.

I'm pretty sure we've all been there at one point or another.  Life just doesn't seem "fair" sometimes.  The hammer keeps falling in rapid succession, and you just can't catch your breath between one heartache and the next.  You're at another dead end.  Another closed door.  Another failure.  Another lost battle.  You're exhausted.  You reach your breaking point.  You snap. 

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, GOD?!?!  Seriously, come on!!  This again?!

And yet you hold it together.  You've got it under control.  You pretend like your thoughts aren't raging and inflamed...as if God can't hear them??  So I guess my reasoning has been that I'd rather get it out, voice my anger, and talk through it with God than to pretend like it's not festering inside.  I'm pretty sure He can handle it.  He is God, after all.

I think the key is the end result though.  Sure, I go off on God at times.  I give Him a piece of my mind.  I rant and rave for a little while.  But at the end of it all, there's surrender.  When I've vented to Him, I eventually turn around and ask for His help and His peace.   

“In your anger do not sin”: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold.

A fool gives full vent to his anger, but a wise man keeps himself under control.

It's interesting that these verses don't say "DON'T GET ANGRY".  Anger is an emotion.  It's going to happen.  Even Jesus got angry.  (granted, I think Jesus' anger was righteous and warranted, while mine purely stems from selfish reasons most of the time)  I think it's pretty clear that it's what we do with that anger that's the key though.  And that's the exact reason why I try to talk it through with God first.  He gets to hear the brunt of it.  And if need be, I have two or three trusted friends who have heard me fully express that kind of anger.  But they are friends who are always there to help point me back to the truth...to God's truth. 

It's not usually as simple as just letting go of the anger and walking away.  Somehow there's a little barb that resurfaces, a little dig, a little reminder of the thing that provoked that uprise of anger in the first place, and there I am again...picking up what I thought I surrendered.  Sometimes it takes continual deliberate effort to keep bringing it back to God.  I'm just thankful He's right there waiting for me every time.